Aug 19 2008
Why I Don’t Miss Working For Someone Else (too funny)
It seems to be that lately many once “great companies to work for” have slowly gone down that horrible road of micro-management. While all businesses must change every now and again to fit the needs of there consumers…its appears that the big wigs of these companies completely forget about one of the main reasons why their companies succeed….their associates.
While I will not specifically mention the company that I previously worked for (**cough a big bank…Cough**) I will say that although I miss the associates that I worked along side with, I do not miss some of the constant policy changes that take place. Worst of all, I hated how some of the changes affected the customers. Anyway, I’m getting off topic. I sat back with a friend today as we talked about how this former employer of mine was yet again changing associate policies, we laughed and it reminded me of an email that I received not too long ago that was hilarious. I don’t know who created this but this is how it went:
EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008 NEW OFFICE POLICYDress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
I think sharing this email with her made her feel better…so, to those of you who still have to deal with corporate policies and B.S. rules everyday just keep holding your heads up high and breath….
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